Monday, May 2, 2011

I don't do spiders

I grew up in the country and I have seen my fair share of creepy crawlies.  Mice and snakes do not bother me, neither do various kinds of bugs. But stop the train, once the leg count goes above 6, I revert to a shivering hysterical five year old.

Now I don't know about you guys, but I grew up with a house full of boys. Growing up with boys does toughen you up to a degree but let a brother find your weakness and they show no mercy. In West Virginia we had a variety of fat hairy bloated monstrosities that we call the wolf spider. This putrid waste of airspace would carry its foul spawn on her back, I guess to teach them the ins and outs of terrifying impressionable and sensitive girls (like myself). My brothers would take these demons of hell and put them in a jar and proceed to chase me around the yard.. Do you know what happens when you put a mother wolf spider in a jar and begin shaking it as you run.

A million tiny terrors swarm all over the sides and yes, unearthly screaming and the dogs begin to bark from the high pitch squealing within a 5 mile radius.

Needless to say I was less than happy with the following yard artist.

Matt of Pass Along Plants comments and submits:

Arachnophobia or A Bug's Life?  And who can tell what that is on the porch - a robot riding a snail?

This is what happens when you do not have a regular contract with an exterminator:
How many poodles are missing in this neighborhood?
I have always found public displays of affection a bit awkward.
If you haven't seen a fire ant, well here it is: the more you know
Bathsheba, the poodle eater of Cherry Lane

  • Random guy having relations with a caterpillar: 1 point
  • Giant Red Ant: 1 point
  • The giant orange thing that thankfully does not live next door to me: 1 point
Subtotal: 3 points

Creativity Bonus

For the creepy horror of Cherry Lane: 3 points

Total: 6 points

I'm typing this without actually looking at my screen: (you cannot imagine how I suffered to find this for you)


  1. If you react to spiders anything like the way I react to spiders, your dedication in finding that picture is above and beyond the call of duty. The only good spider is a dead spider ... and even then it's iffy.

    I think Matt is testing you...but a good find nonetheless. Definitely not your standard, run-of-the-mill yard art!

  2. Thank you, Morning Glory. Really my stomach is hurting a little bit.

    Matt's a boy. He is probably some poor girl's brother.

  3. I had to scroll down with my eyes closed in order to leave a comment, because I too am absolutely terrified of spiders. Snakes, mangy Cujo looking dogs, broken protruding bones, gushing blood are all no big deal, but show me a spider and I get the willies like no one. Shame on you for putting that giant spider picture up, shame on you. I still got the heebie jeebies.

  4. El Gaucho, I am a bit ashamed because I can't look at the thing myself. But there are some brave people out there who can. And at least one of my brothers read this blog and he can see how he scarred me FOR LIFE.

    I hope you recover from your heebie jeebies quickly. Go hug one of your pups.

  5. Hi! I gave you 5 picks for bravery. Btw, I do spiders.

  6. One, no way! You get lots of praise for your amazing bravery.

    What do you do with spiders.

    Perhaps I don't want to know.

  7. lh, I only had one brother, and he was pesty enough, (he used to chase me with snakes) I cannot imagine having multiple male siblings. You poor girl! I hope when your brothers see how they've harmed you, they'll feel sorry and try to make it up to you.

    Why the psychiatric community labels it arachnophobia and not plain ol' spiderphobia is unclear except I suppose it sounds more impressive and makes the bill easier to swallow. Not that I eat my bills, that would be wrong. Enough about me.

    Matt was lucky to get out of this yard alive. I'm not sure what is going on with the pair on the porch, but it is disturbing. Must be another fancy psychiatric term for that sort of behavior, too. I don't think I'd send the kiddies trick or treating to this yard.

    Are fire ants THAT big? OMG. I am staying in Wisconsin.

    And don't look now, but Bathsheba has a robin almost in her clutches. A mere appetizer until the next poodle comes along.

  8. Karen, I agree arachnophobia is a little hoity-toity for fear of spiders. And not being scientific or anything if that includes other 8-legged creatures, crabs don't bother me in the least.

    Ok... octopuses creep me out some, and I can't even discuss squid.

    and yeah, see!!! I'm telling you fire ants ARE BAD. You are better off say in Wisconsin.

  9. I have a memory of being a kid in Jr. High, in Springhill, Louisiana, sitting in front of the TV at like 2AM and one of those spiders ran out at me, and then I whacked it with a video box, and all the babies sprayed out all over the carpet and it freaked me out a little bit.

    But the worst part was when the big BIG "Palmetto Bugs" (aka roaches?) would fly down from the top of the curtains and ask ya, "Hey baby, wanna dance?"

  10. Lauren, my skin crawled just reading your comment. I hope the video box survived.

    I have only heard of Palmetto Bugs, I have never made the acquaintance.

  11. If you look with your eyes half-shut it's not so bad. You may find this technique useful in other situations too.

  12. b-a-g, thanks for the best laugh of the day. Now I am imaging all kinds of things (people) that I may have to use the squinty eye approach.

  13. Way worse than any regular spider, its a Daddy Long Legs! They do that whole up and down bouncy thing when they see you! Sorry, can't type anymore... shivering uncontrollably....

  14. BTW, the fire ants ARE that big. After the bite the welt it leaves is just as big.

  15. OK, if it was up to me, it would be negative points for putting the spider on the lawn. Shiver.....ugh. Sorry about that, I certainly don't do spiders either.

    There seems to be a real plethora of them lately on blogs, I think I need a warning label, LOL.

    Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams

  16. Tufa Girl, I don't like Daddy Long Legs either. They have an uncanny way of getting into the house. Fire ants are enormous and so are their nests.

    Muddy Boot Dreams, I really should have put up a warning.

    I did not know that spiders was a common theme in blogdom right now. Good thing I have been outside and not on the computer too much lately.

  17. I find the fire ant scarier.

  18. Laura, that is because you are a well known spider lover.

  19. So with all the spider haters out there, are there any others who have what I call 'arachnoleptic fits'? That's the dance you do when you walk into a spider web outside the back door on your way to the car in the morning.

  20. Good grief, what a bunch of wimps! Spiders are cool, 8 legs rule! I accidentally killed a little one once; found it in the shower with me, picked it up and held it close while I stepped out of the water to put it in a dry place. Unintentionally squished it. Felt very bad about it. I grew up in Florida with a mother who practically revered spiders - especially the giant ones. She said they ate all kinds of bad bugs and wouldn't let us harm one.

    But roaches and palmetto bugs? Eeeooouuuu!

  21. LH, you must have LOVED the scene in LOTR with Shelob then :)

  22. I have arachnoleptic fits (GREAT WORD!!!!) Although I have web radar on the ground, when I ride (horse) I can get full frontal face webbag. It is horrifying.

    Because of this, I general sacrifice my friends by placing them in front during peak spider times of the year.

  23. MorningGlory, yes, despite my best intentions I have broken into arachnoleptic spasms several times...(love the word!)

    Mom L, I do like spiders too, I just don't like them crawling on me. Your mom was right, they are wonderful creatures and I have been known to capture spiders in the house and set them free outside. I'm hoping saving them will give me a rep with the entire Spider Hierarchy and I will never be bitten. That's what I'm hoping.

  24. Mom L, just because I tremble in fear of Satan's spawn does not make be a whimp, just prudent. I will have to ponder a family who revere spiders. You never cease to surprise me.

    redgirl, when I red LOTR as an impressionable 7th grader, I threw the book (second, I believe) across the room in terror over Shelob. During the movie, I hid behind my hands.

  25. Karen, I hope that works out for you. I once kept a large spider under a large mixing bowl for a week for the hubby to get home and rescue me.

    Another factiod, you can't kill them with hairspray... I found this out the hard way.

  26. A tarantula crawled by me the other day. I'm just sayin', there might be worse things than wolf spiders. For example, my personal favorite horror: CENTIPEDE.

  27. Cynthia, well there is a very good reason not to live in Texas. I agree centipede are very creepy but they don't mummify their victims and then suck out the life juices.

    I just made myself sick.

  28. Belgian Mom here...I can attest to LH's sacrificing of her friends on horseback to save her from the deadly spiderwebs of death.

    She is pure evil wrapped up in a small package.

  29. Belgian Mom is correct. I will throw anyone in the range of the spider web to avoid the hit. My friends, my kids, unsuspecting strangers... Don't trust me, when it comes to spiders I am a drowning woman.

  30. My spider catching story is about a black widow.

    When I was 5 or so and my Father was going to college, we all lived in Student Family Housing. Our apt had a big glass sliding door to the patio. We went to go out to go to school, and she stopped us because a fat black widow had built a massive web 'crossed it in the middle of the night. She used the other door, scooped it up in a glass tupperware, and we could not WAIT to get home from school so that we could play *ahem* look it it. All the kids around the place came over while we looked at it, shook it, tapped the glass, etc.

    After a few hours, I think my mom realized how awful it would be if someone snapped the top off, so my Father took it out and smeared it across one of the paths. Fun times...

  31. redgirl, I am not remotely surprised that you would have a poisonous spider story. Your dad is a good man.

    I like a man who can handle spiders.

  32. This is why I laugh so hard when I am able to sneak behind her while riding and finally relinquish spider web duty.

    Oh, and bio fact: daddy long legs are not spiders. The two front "legs" are actually antennae. So they do not creep me out.

    I actually used to really like spiders until some mean kid in middle school made me watch "Arachnaphobia." Now I only like them as long as they do not touch me. Someone's got to eat the mozzies after all.

  33. eventer79, has begun to frequently break the lifeshighway rule of taller horse rides up front.

    I had no idea that Daddy Long Legs were not spiders. If they just catch stuff and bite their heads off then they are A-OK in my book.

    I have never made it through an entire viewing of Arachnophobia.

  34. You are forever hilarious! I love it. Your brothers were as evil as mine.
    Spiders never bothered me... but what gives me the total creeps are those HORRID transparent crickets, ( yes, they are so transparent, you can see their innards, arghhhhhh!!!) They suddenly HOP out of the closet and send me screaming and running for the broomstick.

  35. That is one huge spider. Nightmares are coming.

  36. Me, me, me! My turn again! Worse than spiders and roaches and palmetto bugs - earwigs! Well, that's what we called them in my childhood Florida home. They liked to crawl into shoes. We learned early to shake our shoes out before putting them on for school. I thought I had forgotten about them, until I watched ST: The Wrath of Khan. Remember the scenes of Chekhov terrorized by the ear worm thingy? Gahh! That's when I had to cover my eyes. See, LH, I'm not a totally weird nut!!! And I don't have brothers...

  37. sounds like you might want to consider flooding-type therapy.

  38. Jeri, I wonder if those transparent crickets are what we call camel crickets. Camel crickets really gross me out because they are fat and soft and yes, they do hop out of closets at you. (and if you could see their innards, shudder)

    Mom L, I very much remember the ear worm thing in the Wrath of Khan. I cringed through that entire scene. I always check my boots for spiders and I never keep boots at the barn, I keep them in my car. My though process is, that my car is probably not spider (or earwig) infested. I can tell from this entry that I do not want to live any further South.

  39. -E-, I visited your blog and I am afraid that you may be throwing esoteric wisdom our way. If you are... um, yeah ... um good point

    If you are not, flooding probably won't work because the darn things float (or maybe they build little web boats) What is needed is a brave man and a shoe, book or broom.

  40. -E-, I too visited your site and think that you should share your wisdom with us more often. And LH, may I present you with .... the image of waves of water all covered in hairy, malignant, squirming wolf-y spiders?

  41. I hate spiders even though I know they are supposed to be ridding the world of other yucky bugs. I'll take a moth anyday.
    Gross gross gross.

  42. Rosey, I love moths. They are so fuzzy and pretty. When I was a child I thought of them as flying kittens.

  43. Oooooooh, LH, that is the new name for moth now. How will I ever kill one again?


  44. I hate it when I reveal my soft girly side.

  45. espesh when being a man is where it's at these days


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